We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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