so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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