i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize