Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
