did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
