I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
