Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize