I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
