This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
