Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
