I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
