Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
