Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We need to get me chipped asap
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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