They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
