i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
And then he peed in my hair
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