Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
