Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize