U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
