I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
