let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
