Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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