After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
