Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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