Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
