I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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