This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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