I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
