I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
