FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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