i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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