everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
