We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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