i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
