He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
