Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
