i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
