And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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