You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
