My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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