Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
