i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she told me i tasted like america
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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