Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wear drunk well.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
