i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
