1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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