i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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