Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
