he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
