He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
