How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
