I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
