i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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