i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
