I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
