I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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