...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
