I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
