So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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